The Joke Thread

DAD JOKES , YEAH!!! Love it when my kids roll their eyes

 

no joke. true.
A long time ago, I was in the hospital for a few weeks.. upon discharge the doctor said, "you can never drink.."
Does that include beer? I asked. He got upset and started on a long lecture about how bad blah blah blah..
yesterday, after seeing doctor for thumb, I also got an earful when I confessed to riding a bike.. no weight or trauma to hand! something about ligaments separating/loose...
I guess riding a bike includes riding on the floop...

yeah.. I better stay off the bike..
too early for beer though...

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?









Bob...

 

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?









Art...

 

Bait

 

His wife only had one leg...... Ilene

 

A man with no arms and no legs Playing in a pile of leaves?



Russle...

 

And.....

What's better than Rose's on a piano?




Tulips on my Organ.

 

How about a woman with 1 leg?



Eileen

 

I learned to communicate with a hen and wrote a book about it. The hen received an award. It was a pullet surprise.

 

True story; got off the plane in Oakland. Leaving the terminal I asked a shoe shine guy "How do I get out of Oakland?" He looks me in the eye and says "everybody wants to get out of Oakland!"

 

I once told ten different puns to my colleagues at work hoping that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately...

No pun in ten did!

(I'll see myself out)

 

In no particular order... Bob, Art, Peg, and Russel. Tulips on your organ....

Ooops - sorry. Didn't see that the HI-larious answers were already provided.

 

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

 

What do you call a cow that can play guitar?




A moosician.

 

six dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy













so happy walked out.

 

So, these two Irish guys walk out of a bar....









Hey, it could happen.

 

Love me some Pearls Before Swine

 

My son went to Penn. Not sure how many people saw this cartoon before this week, but let me guarantee you it is in broad distribution now

 

Please delete

 

Oh, what not PC thing did you say or post?

 

That was from about 8 years ago. But I always like the word "penultimate" because it is such a specific and seldom-needed word. That's why I clipped the strip and kept it all these years. Oh - and who doesn't like Ultimate Frisbee?

 

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.
"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.
"Perhaps you didn't notice, sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."
"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

 

What an awesome sport! College memories!

 

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." “Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

“But, where did you get the tools?”

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." “Would you like a drink?” "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares deeply into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "you've built a Golf Course too?"